{ { { grails >

i feel orange, maroon in my body

blue, of course, in my head

turquoise, bluegreen like water

(but no green) 7 of pentacles reversed, green

man hangs from tree -

i want to cut him down but what will break his fall?

how strong can i be when i am still telling my soul to shut the fuck up?

how much is hard work and how much is just patience?

how much of the hard work is just waiting with unwavering faith?

is it because i don't truly believe?

the generational curse of anxiety i guess

even though i constantly apply myself to ensure my survival, have i jinxed it because my heart isn't in it?

am i going to be okay? i feel that i am,

but the "how" eats at my stomach --

so eat, stomach! it's what you're meant to do!

i smoke to stop my thoughts

and am eventually found by the fridge --

& there is food.

the floating cup that runneth over in the corner of my eye

is full of honey.

i harvest the crystals.

i put them in my hot tea.

it warms my hands.