/memory/doll/

where were u in 2005

awakened from snapshots of rebooted conjunctions - i immolate myself . in the middle of a living room, dancing for my parents' drunk friends. after dinner. in a room at the end of the hall, muffling a fervent unrest. i was small and hungry. if only i had known. i became my life's purpose then.

now that i have things of my own i am viewed as something that has rotted. now that i have the freedom to value my own whims over the favor askers who only ask after stealing from me has become illegal, the anger still follows me. the fear of it still pangs. but i will fuck up anyway because i simply cannot help myself. i am clumsy and i will never be perfect and it will always make them yell. i will cry with a smile as i plagiarize the dutiful eldest daughter.

i get pushed, i feel so much of nothing. memories swim up my sternum and burrow in a deep pool. i fold into myself but they still find me. i apologize and nothing matters. i apologize to protect myself even when i don't mean it and i know it is not deserved. is this peace? self sacrifice in survival mode is my only perceived protection. they are ravenous regardless, as they were also once forced into jesterism. 

i point my view finder down that hallway. i scan left. i see little me. i swallow my fingers and blow chunks in her memory.